‘Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away
And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today
‘Cause I love you, whether it’s wrong or right
And though I can’t be with you tonight
And know my heart is by your side
[If you're not the one -Daniel Bedingfeld]

+ Jedi sms me last nite to tell me that he's back in jakarta. I still cant get to Mrs. Anastasia. So maybe i'll call her from magelang and tell her the situation.. hmm.. i wonder where Jedi is now.. maybe he's at campus.. he got a DKV class today.
+ I still need to but some things before finishing my packing. I believe God for a supernatural turn around.. :)
+ I made a new blog last nite.. but at this point of time, it's still empty :p Cant figured out what i'm gonna do with it.. gg
+ Dimas finally send me the list.. it's pretty nice.. 18 songs, full of mellow melody and 'hoping' lyrics.. I think i'd like to put Ruff Endz' If I was the One. It's a great song..

Jedi sms me and asked about me sending a wrong message. he thinks i'm moving on.. or something. And he called me, maybe he misses me, coz i can tell from the way he asked questions, bout why i havent sms him today.. Well, i am thinking about him, until now. But, i thought he didnt care much. I thought he already have so much fun fishing, and maybe sms-ing with Bali Dancer, that way, my presence wouldnt be so obvious to him. Oh well, but I'm so happy that he called me. It's been a while since he did it.. i'd say it's a sweet thing to do that :)

Finally after a day of connection breakdown.. i'm back online!! so many things happened lately. First of all, i got called by Starbucks for an interview, and Jedi was being so sweet to take me there. So when i finished the interview, we went back to the car, and sudenly he kissed me.. later on, he said that it was a congratulation kiss.. feel like wanna shout on top of my lungs!! But then again.. sometime came up. i forgot to tell the HRD divison, that i wont ve able to follow the training session on moday, coz i gotta go to magelang. And that's when Jedi looked so upset.. well, he thought that it was a stupid decision to cancel the starbucks training, and go to magelang. seems like we got a different point of view here.. I'm still trying to contact this Mrs. Anastasia to clear things up. But i guess it wont be until Monday that I'll be able to call her. Praise God at all times!! He wont fail me down..

Today is the last day of the Seminar. Well, indri asked me if i can accompany her to Jedi's house, coz she wanna make her assignment. But i dont know whether Jedi want to see me again or not. It's a silly thought huh? but hey, in my position, ur minds are forced to think beyond common sense! so i told jedi if i 2can come over and he said ok.. (see, how silly my mind make me to think!)
I'm still typing this sermon summary, it have to be finish before friday, and i'm goin as fast as my hands can dance on top of the keyboard.. sigh.. i miss Jedi so much.. :\ well, i finally got to his house, they picked me up.. but i cant simply found my coziness there. Maybe becoz i'm hoping Jedi will be so glad to see me, that he wants me to come by to his house 2. But.. it turns out to be one big mistake. he didnt care that much. So dimas picked me up and went to his house and have a little chit chat with Yarra, say hello to 'tante' and Dea. Viewed and listened to the Cd's playlist.. then went back home with dimas' friends. i apologize to Jedi today. Still cant think living a life without him. I wonder if he feels the same way.. or maybe Yarra's right? No, I only want to believe my trust and faith in God. Amen for that!!

It's so hard to upload Beyonce's pic :( so I thought I'll replace it with Monday Michiru's. Great jazz singer from Japan. I'll be going to Jedi's house today. Dont know what will happen, I guess we'll see.. :\

well we didnt do a thing but watching movies.. i miss him so dearly... x'(
i watch him sleep coz i cant bear the thoughts that i might not gonna see him close to me like that. i kept on saying that i'm going to miss him, and he kept on asking why..
i really love him, if only he could know how much..

God's presence is so refreshing. We held this Seminar about Inner Healing. And the teachings is so awesome. The prob is, Mr. Andereas was not present. Rumors said he's resigning from House of Prayer. Cant think anything worse than that :( Pretty sad.
Well, I finally talk with Jedi this morning. And my feelings are kinda cool down a bit.. And we gonna watch X-Men 2 at his house 2morrow.. maybe we gonna watch Matrix2.. I volunteer myself to go to Magelang May 2-4. At least this ministering moment will give me some point of understanding along with a breakthrough. I need it, and have told Jedi about it. He said it was a good thing. I called dimas yesterday, i let all my thinking and feelings out. I finally got a place to talk, and he gave me this way out, which is to talk to Jedi and try to leave him. Dimas thought that he's no longer worth all the fight... :'( I've made an appointment with Jedi to talk abut us on thursday. Dont know what it would be like.. I trust You Lord.. x')

Just got back from Church.. I'm teaching Sunday School today. Phew.. i lost my mood in everything.
The story of Jonah that I taught today, speaks a lot for myself. You cant hide from God's presence, you cant runaway from God's love. He knows where you were, He knows where you are now, and He knows where you gonna be 2morrow. And no time frame cant hold back His love. I sent Jedi, Travis' lyrics: [Flower in the Window], and put on the subject: i want u back. And since this morning he hasn't called or sms me. I dont know what to think.. My dad's at home now.. and I cant get any peace around.. Got some fight with my sister, she scratch me real good, give a big punch on my elbow, kick me several times, and then cry out loud when I get her back. My mom gets mad at me for doing that, and my whole head feelin' like it's gonna blow!!! How come people just feel free to do what they want to another person? Coz they've been treated that way? Then what kind of evil world is we're living right now? My friends doesn't treat me right. They left me, maybe coz I've been giving them lots of problem. Jedi doesnt care much. All he thinks of is his relationship, his life, his peace, his heart. He feels free to do whatever he wants to, and doesn't want to take the risk. But above all that, just cant stop myself from loving him. I guess that's an unconditional love, huh? My hand and fingers are shaking writing today's post. Dont know why.. maybe my peak of distress is comin' sooner than I think. I hear this sermon from Joel Osteen 'bout the favor of God, living in divine favor. It shocked me up a bit. If I can ever convince my mind to get along with God's promises, everything will fall in it's place perfectly. But before that, tribulation will hit, coz it means I'll be handing my dreams and hopes to God, and let Him take over. Will I ever learn to submit??

I met him this morning, give him a simple hug, said a simple 'i miss u' words.. but I dont hear he said it back.
Trying to think of my future school today. Mom's giving me some alternatives, but I think I'll stick to Hillsong, but I'll consider this 6-7 months of this Global Action Teams. A project where you'll be trained and helping people from all over the world. The March program got about 6 countries. Such as Mozambique, South Africa, Brazil, Uganda, Trinidad and Zimbabwe.. pretty cool though! It's like adventuring around the world! Well, almost the whole world.. hehehe


This is a picture of earth at night, taken from a sattelite.

And this is the actual map of the world in 1540!! It even got the sea monsters! gg.. but it's too bad, the picture's sharpness doesnt make it viewable..



I just sms Jedi, and ask him to make a blog together, and he said yes! So happy :D I wonder hor kir is doing right now? She's the one that suggested me about blog2.. Havent download msn messenger again, so got no way of chatting with her. There's something wierd with this blog btw..

[rise and fall > craig david&sting]

Gak bs tidur pules, my minds keep on bothering me, his statement yesterday really shocked me. I'm a second class citizen in his heart. i'm giving a man my whole heart, and he's not willing to give me his..
I'm having this sensitive tempered day. Got so many factors on it, and the only man that can cheer me up doesnt even try2.
Tried so hard to cover my feelings, but it's a bad idea. My pain just increase, my heart pulse got quicker & i'm just living in fear.
I miss his kiss, his hugs, his attention, his sweet sms, the way hi always try to cheer me up when i'm down, the way he sniffs my shoulder, the way he held my hands, the way he looked @me. I miss the way he treated me as his lover. I want him back.. i just want him back!! (psycho-swimfan)
Skrg dia udah gak ada inisiatif lagi 2hug me even though i'm having a bad day.. he doesnt even try to calm me down. Malah.. he let me do stupid things alone& than make fun of it. how painful that could be? why does he gives up on me so easily? [ i miss u > TLC] [rivers of tears float me in my bed].
Nobody said good nite to me anymore. i miss him so much.. so .. so . so . much.
i think his family likes indri more than me. Everybody dislike me. wat have i done to deserve all of this? knp gw musti dicambuk non-stop ampe mati??!! dan ampe skrg dia gak bales2 sms gue. oh my every minute of my life.. is in fear. i dont wanna let him go, i cant let him go. do happiness still remember me? if so, when is my turn? and if it's not... why cant i just DIE!!!

I'm a flower that blooms in September and died in December
who's secretly planted in a forbidden garden
who's nurtured with hatred, doubt &betrayal,
breath from the atmosphere of lies,
who's living from the hands of a half-hearted gardener,
and grow through the hard weather of agony & desperation.
But based on the solid ground of love & the knowing that the sunshine of hope lies right above her...
she gets all the strenght she needs.
She'll make it through, I'll make it through
She'll live, I'll live

... Each day I love you more, today more than yesterday and less than tomorrow -Rosemonde Gerard ( L'eternelle Chanson)

I cant believe that he ask me out today! so excited, so flattered. I always wanna be by his side as long as i'm able to. Is it ridiculous to be so submitted to someone? I hope i'll be his only loving companion. We talk about deep things today. About my unsecure self, the "Great Wall of China", and now my heart aches in pain by his anwers & statements. But what it'll be like, to be unattach with him? then i'll lose my outer world. He keeps on holding 2 the difference. For me that's not the essential issue any longer. Maybe the fact is he just simply cant break her.. Maybe he just never really love me wholly, but then again... why am i still here hoping that my miracle will come? Sigh... coz God gives me His faith .. to trust Him, that He never fails. Love never fails.

[emotions > destiny's child]

C'MON INDY!! make up ur mind!!

lime squash, magazine rack, smokers, big painting divided into 7, ashtray, evening, Cafe Regal, noisy, diagonally seated, lonely
SCREW!!!

"coz i miss him a lot& got no right to be so.."
and now... HE'S MAD AT ME...

he told me that he can miss 2girls at the same time.. and one of 'em is me..
what do u call that? does that kind of behaviour got a name? those statement, makes me think harder now.
but still.. cant resist the feeling of loving and hoping.
is it a crime to have those feelings? i'm a prisoner of hope.. and i'm proud of it..

sick, lonely, rejected ... vitamins, cigarette, vodka
they say happiness is here, what if it's in the other side?
so i'll raise up a fund to buy u a shoe
make you a mirror and a small chair 2
rejoice when u're glad, go sorrow when u're sad
i'll pampered u with love, attention & prayers when u got sick,
even though u might say thank u, to the one who says she's mellow.
[drowned with tears]

i'm going out with Jedi today, hoping that it'll turn out to be a good day..
Keep on Praying!!!!

INTERMEZZO: sometimes u gotta do right, to be happy
one time u gotta believe in what u feel inside,
sometimes u gotta do rite to find happiness...

why does he always seems to be jealous if i write or receive sms.. sometimes the contents of what i sent, is basicaly about him.
i just need to tell 'whom i consider a friend' about my feelings for him.. coz i just have no god reason to tell him personally.
i've got to many considerations..

keep on falling to the same hole over and over again..
i wonder.. will u ever loose ur heart after u've been wounded for so many times?
what drove us to always love even if we've been hurt?
and what will become of the person who always have ur love and never fail to wound us?
how can somebody willing to be a second best, just becoz they know, there's always a hope of being the first?
what kind of heart can hurt and leave unbearable pain,
what kind of soul can stab u in the back, but still have time to leave u a kiss?

But above all else, what kind of an idiot will let these things happen with a good reason?
it is I.

INTERMEZZO: there's some decisions that mark ur life... years passes, and those decisions will start working

I LOVE MANNEQUIN!!
it's just so artistic.. :D

This 'dance with me' song.. keeps on going in my mind.. nice song.. nice meaning.
have ever want to be somebody else' partner in life?



I tried to contact Scoot, he's the one who created this blog layout. hey.. dont u think the pic is just too BIG??
like i said.. i'm new in this blog thing.. so.... NO COMMENT PLEASE!!

The secret of happiness is learning to be content with what we have,
whether it is much or little, and learning how to live abundantly even with little.

i've been to a prayer conference today.. well, it was so packed up! people just come from all over indonesia and pray together.. awesome sight! although the traffic was also amazing!!
Jedi just reload his prepaid card, so now, we're able to sms again.. fortunately, my day was kinda ruin by my own stupidity.
i sign in on his yahoo messenger, and caught 'the bali dancer' online.. oh dear my.. my.. feels like wanna explode!!!
ARRGhhh.. but i told him anyway.. x'( stupid me!!! i finally sms him and said that i kinda miss him. thankfuly he said the same thing.
so at least i'm saved in a way :\

i wish i can bring my love to beaches again.. the thing between jedi and 'the bali dancer' makes me hate beaches!! oh dear, suddenly i feel like turning into a phsyco.. and you know what!!... now he's adding another folder to his email.. HER own folder.. how i wanna scream! i wonder when i gonna get over this..

[the music enters.. and created a dramatic scene]
[why does it hurt so bad - whitney houston]

SCREW!!! i wish i can go out with him tomorrow.. it's saturday nite gitu loh!! hiks hiks >x'@

Hmmm... what am i gonna write today? how about a simple profile? nope.. that wont work.. cant understand how i can make this blog look great.. i dont usually deal with html, so wat else can i do?
i've been surfing on the net, and finally visit back my old class website.. with cute pictures, and silly comments
i mean.. wat else can u do, when u sit in front of ur comp with a broadband connection, but got nowhere to go?
silly question eh? but who cares.. looking back and tracing high schools drama is another way to relax...
BUsET deH!!! jakarta panas banget yah!!

Universe and what lies within it?
Majestic but lonely... DAMN! hate this feelings..
But the stars are PURPLE!!! isn't that great!! :D

"who is this coming out of the wilderness,
like pillars of smoke,
perfumed with myrrh and frankincense,
with all the merchant's fragrant powders?"

Wilderness, the so called "desert"... is a deadly place for a lost fellow,
a wilderness [desert], is a place where people sees the fatamorgana of life without the ability to make it a reality.
You avoid it, you hate it, you never want it!
But it's the only place and stage where you'll get your best education of life.
It doesn't offer you palace's spoilness, or drunken luxuries,
but it makes you mastered dryness, loneliness, and the wrath of life.
The graduates are the ones who knows how to do battle when night fall,
and when they get burned, they produce a thick smoke with the best fragrance.

Still know how to love even if its been scorch...

Dear Universe...
Nothing in this world can change a person's heart but God, that is if you believe in one. Sunrise and sunsets, 2 beautiful sight that human always takes it in glance. Stars that are created so you can gazed at night and remember the Almighty's promises, are also never makes you feel blessed..
Isn't that what you called loneliness? The real loneliness, that looks so bold when you actually living in a crowd? The only thing that can cope with it, and make it submit is an unconditional love. The most powerful feelings, that can make you wound and heal at the same time.. But can you really trust 'Love'.. tell me the meaning of love and the role it plays in life.. Coz when you try to study it, it wont teach you tenderly, it force you to learn it the hard way.. ARRGGHHH!!! i've lost it!!!